30+ and lived abroad for 6 years: Should we have children? A digital nomad couple's chat

We've lived abroad for 6 years and traveled through over 10 countries. We once thought we'd be free like this forever.

But recently, a voice in our minds has been growing louder:

"Should we have children?"

Some say that with children, you've chosen hard mode in life—can't move freely, income might be interrupted, freedom will be limited.

Others say that without children, you can live this kind of life.

We're in our 30s, and for the first time we're seriously facing this question:

As digital nomads, what does having children mean?

Are we ready?

Today, we want to share our most real thoughts and confusions with you.

How do we view having children?

Pan: For myself, first of all, before marriage I definitely wouldn't want children. After marriage, the two of us went out traveling, living our own lives, living in various places, building our careers, finding our hobbies. Actually, I'm quite liked by children. I also really like playing with friends' children, but I don't have that feeling of "I really want my own child, I want to have a very cute child." I've never had that impulse.

But on the other hand, for my own family of origin, my feelings are quite good, so I've never thought that I definitely don't want children. Because I also have some friends around me who might have considered the child factor very early, thinking children might conflict with their life goals, but I might not see it that way. So I really only started seriously considering this question after returning to China in 2023, around age 31.

Ding: Because we completely didn't think about children before, we wanted more to experience the beauty of this world, to see various places around the world.

Pan: First raise ourselves well, first live the life we want.

Ding: Yes, and also our careers weren't stable yet, so we also wanted to improve more in work. I think we need to reach very good conditions, a very good timing, to consider having children. After having children, energy will be dispersed, and we'll also spend more money.

But we've also seen some examples of raising children on a budget. For example, we saw some people around us in Latin America before who weren't very rich but still had two children. There are ways to raise children on a budget, and ways to raise them with more resources. Actually, I'm not very resistant to raising children. I think it has a lot to do with the environment we're in. If I'd always been in a big city like Shanghai, I would definitely completely not want children. But for example, in Hangzhou, or some classmates in my hometown Fuzhou, they actually all have children. As long as you leave first-tier cities, it seems like everyone's willingness to have children becomes stronger.

I would think having children doesn't seem like a very scary thing, because many people have children and their days go on just fine, that kind of feeling.

Can you still be nomadic with children?

Pan: Before 2023, we lived in Latin America for over 3 years, including Bali. At that time, we unintentionally came into contact with many families who were both nomadic and had children. The first RV travel companion was a Japanese family, a family of four with two children. On that journey, we met many Argentine families of four, European families with children.

First, I didn't think having children would block this lifestyle, because from the beginning I saw many such nomadic cases. Later when we lived in some communities, there were basically always some families inside. We also felt that families brought very different energy to the community, because after all there are some small lives. So I think before considering having children ourselves, I did accumulate some relatively positive child-rearing cases, and they were cases in nomadic life.

Ding: And in our own "Nomadic Community," there are also several Chinese parents living abroad with children. So from the nomadic family cases I've come into contact with from various countries, I think whether you can live a nomadic life actually depends more on the parents' thoughts and abilities. It's just that after having children, the nomadic rhythm might be slower, and besides considering your own needs, you also need to consider the children's needs, and adjust nomadic plans according to the children's actual age. So I don't think that after having children we can't continue this kind of life.

What challenges will there be having children as digital nomads?

Pan: I think the turning point should be returning to China. When I started considering whether I really want a child, I think this naturally brought me some pressure. On one hand, it's because we returned to China, the environment is different, and we returned to Shanghai. In Shanghai you definitely don't want to have children. And I must be honest, women do have reproductive pressure, anxiety about reproductive age. You can feel changes in your own physical strength, energy, including physical condition.

So invisibly it's like there's a deadline—do I need to make this decision before some time? Second is about whether the two of us can raise a child well. Can my partner really become a good father? You might not even judge yourself, but first judge your partner: Can he? Does he have patience? Can he set aside time? He loves his work so much... There are also many such thoughts.

Third is that we're actually always in a nomadic living state. Including when we returned to Shanghai, I myself also felt we didn't choose to live in Shanghai, so where to live next is uncertain. So I also felt that even my own life is uncertain. Because having children after all requires at least a year of stable living in one place, so then I felt a bit complicated and a bit troublesome.

Ding: Because my ideal state is, assuming we have a child, I hope to raise him myself, but this is also a very big challenge for us. Because children will take up a lot of your energy, which also makes me feel some pressure—I haven't been able to set aside that much energy while still ensuring I can make money.

But I think we've started doing some preparation in recent years. Because in previous years we were always working as travel bloggers, which means running around everywhere. But at that time I would think that if we want to have children in the future, this lifestyle is actually unsustainable. First, running around everywhere has a very big impact on our physical state.

Second is that if we develop a business model that requires running around to make money, then in the future when we have children and can't move, all income will be cut off. So in the past year or two, I've actually consciously not wanted to completely position us in the travel blogger field.

Also, if we have children, where will we live? My ideal state is that we go to a place with a family atmosphere to live. For example, best case if we have children, that place definitely needs to have many people who also just had children. This is the most ideal state.

Pan: There's a saying that it takes a village to raise a child.

Ding: Right, you definitely need a community that can support you. Why did I choose Chiang Mai? One reason is that there are children there, but Chiang Mai might have more older children.

Pan: Chiang Mai is indeed a relatively family-friendly place.

Ding: I think Chiang Mai is about 0.5 qualified, not yet full marks.

Actually, there's one thing that's always confused me: Do I have the ability to become a father? It's not just that you question your partner. I haven't questioned whether you'll become a good mother, but I also question whether I have a way to become a good father.

Because from everyone's growth, more or less there will be family of origin influences. I think especially as you get older, after 30, I increasingly realize that family of origin's influence on everyone is very significant. For over a year now I've been thinking, do I have a way to resolve some of the harm my family of origin gave me? Because if this harm can't be resolved, it might be passed to the next generation.

I didn't question you because I think your family of origin is okay, but I know myself better. I think my family of origin's influence on me is very big, with many negative things.

Pan: Later I became a bit more accepting. First of all, none of us are perfect. Everyone has good and bad parts. I think raising a life shouldn't pursue perfection. Including our parents, they definitely weren't perfect either. I think more is that I'll accept myself, I'll also accept my child, I'll also accept that he'll have shortcomings. Of course I'll work hard, like correcting myself, or reducing some negative things in myself.

I think compared to what you just said, I'm quite surprised, because I might not have considered children so much from career and living location perspectives. I consider more—I don't know if there are female friends around my age, if you're also considering having children—because what I encounter more on social media is that now women actually don't want to have children. Besides some social structure problems, I think there are also things like reproductive damage, motherhood issues, and this society's job system's unfairness to women, like it's hard to find jobs after having children, etc.

So to be honest, for women it's relatively more negative. But now these contents that are already visible in public topics can help me realize what situations I'll encounter if I have children. Because many women in the past simply didn't know, didn't know what the whole process after having children is like, or what the results are like, and they just had children.

So I think knowing this information is good. I also recommend everyone to learn more about this information, and also communicate more with your partner. I think this is also quite important, because it's something for two people together.

"Raising children = life hard mode," why aren't we anxious?

Pan: We later continued living abroad, sometimes also meeting some friends with children who are also living nomadic lives. So I also ask them: What's your experience like? If given another choice, would you still choose to have children? They said, if you have children, you've chosen a hard mode life, a more challenging life mode.

Although in my view, they're living very freely with children, when I heard this answer at that time, I wasn't afraid, I didn't retreat. I think I can accept it.

Ding: I later also thought, at some point I felt like I don't need to wait for a very perfect timing to appear, because that perfect timing might never appear. So my current state is a more open mindset: If he appears, I'll accept it; if he doesn't appear, I'll also accept it. I won't say wait for a moment when I'm completely ready, when I've decided to have one.

Pan: After all, this isn't something you can have just because you want to.

Ding: I read a story before about someone who achieved financial freedom but lost direction in life. Naval's advice to him was three things: children, faith, mission—choose one. Although I haven't achieved financial freedom, I think these three things are directions a person's life path can choose.

I've thought before, what's the priority of these three things for me? I would think mission is very important, faith is also. I would think that after having children, the whole path is actually centered around them, not around yourself. So I'm a bit uncertain, or a bit worried: If I have children, will I have given up the self-realization part? My focus will be on my child. Does my existence's meaning and value only lie in raising them? Have I decided not to pursue my faith and mission? This is what I'm thinking about.

But later I think if all three things exist, I can both have a child and continue pursuing myself, then I think that's also good.

Including because we've lived in many places before, if I were to go on a very long trip now, I might not have the passion. But if I imagine that in the future I can take my child to see the whole world together, I think this is something that makes me very excited and very want to do.

Pan: That definitely still needs some economic foundation. This is definitely important.

Ding: So this also makes me start thinking, can the income model I'm building now support the state of having one more person? So maybe now I need to slowly adjust to a more flexible income plan, try to make money without spending too much time.

Pan: Before we might have realized that I hope to free up more of my time, but often you don't achieve it, and there's not that much pressure. Anyway, there's still time to spend on it. But assuming if we decide to have children, then that's a very hard part that will eat up your time. You must free up your time to make money, which will push us to make such changes.

So are we ready to have children?

Ding: I think I can't say I'm 100% ready, but I think this is a process, gradually increasing my confidence. Originally it was 0 or 10%, now it's probably at least 50% to 70%.

Pan: I think I'm not resistant. I think it can count as 80%, let nature take its course. What you just said I quite agree with—if he appears I think it's also good, if he doesn't appear that's also good.

Then we're about done chatting here. Actually, I don't know if what we shared today is helpful to everyone, but because we built this channel, we want to share our lifestyle, our thoughts, and some actions, to give everyone a reference.

We also look forward to using this channel as a platform to hear everyone's thoughts, because everyone is in different cities, different age stages, different lifestyles. What are your thoughts on this topic? I'm also very looking forward to this comment section. Then we'll see you next time.

Ding: Bye.